


Exile

by browney3dgirl6



Series: Animal Kingdom (TV) Songfics [4]
Category: Animal Kingdom (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Feels, Heavy Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:00:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25619251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/browney3dgirl6/pseuds/browney3dgirl6
Summary: You said you loved me, did you mean it?A little filler of what could've happened when Deran told Adrian to go without him(End of Season 4)
Relationships: Deran Cody & Adrian Dolan, Deran Cody/Adrian Dolan
Series: Animal Kingdom (TV) Songfics [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1825177
Kudos: 14
Collections: Animal Kingdom ▶ Deran Cody / Adrian Dolan





	Exile

**Author's Note:**

> This song-fic was inspired by one of my favorites, T-Swift (: Her new song Exile with Bon Iver is exquisite and I highly recommend you give it a listen! Exile spoke to me so much concerning Adrian and Deran's final words, or lack there of. Here's to hoping this isn't the end for them, cheers!

Exile

_I can see you standing, honey_

_With his arms around your body_

_Laughin’, but the joke’s not funny at all_

_And it took you five whole minutes_

_To pack us up and leave me with it_

_Holdin’ all this love out here in the hall_

Adrian was sitting in the backseat of the getaway car, slumped with his head against the window. He had tears running down his cheeks, leaving his face a soaked and blotchy mess.

How could Deran do this to him?

Deran said he meant it, that he loved him, but that just wasn’t enough he guessed.

Adrian’s mind was racing wild, from one unrealistic thought to the next.

Was Deran going to find another man? How long until he pushed Adrian from his mind completely?

Adrian’s already picturing Deran in _their_ house, with some other mans unfreckled arms around him. _Enough!_ He yells at himself internally, this was only making it _that_ much harder for him.

Deep down, Adrian knew Deran would never move on, and _that_ almost pained him more.

He couldn’t see anything through his blurry eyes except that last view of Deran; crumpled on the bridge cradling himself, and all Adrian could do was go.

After all, that’s what Deran wanted and why should Adrian not oblige his demands now?

Adrian had been content with leaving, even if he had to leave his sister and her son behind, if it meant he got Deran. Now that he was alone, he didn’t understand the point.

What had changed, he wondered absently.

Adrian replayed those last five minutes like they were on a broken record; stand, wait for car, yell it out, Adrian leaves, Deran stays.

It took Deran less than ten minutes to push him away forever, and Adrian just let it happen.

They poured out all of their love on that bridge, and still, it wasn’t enough.

Adrian used his sleeve to wipe the snot from his nose; it was and endless task at this point.

He looked out the window, still not seeing much but Deran’s broken state.

Deran hadn’t fought hard enough and neither had he; they were right back where they started, just like always.

_I think I’ve seen this film before_

_And I didn’t like the ending_

_You’re not my homeland anymore_

_So what am I defending now_

_You were my town, and now I’m in exile, seein’ you out_

_I think I’ve seen this film before_

_Ooh, ooh, ooh_

Adrian had seen this all before; when they were just kids and again a few years back. He didn’t like the endings then and he certainly didn’t like this current one.

It was different this time though; _they_ were different.

Deran had his shit together for once and was no longer ashamed of who he was.

On the other hand, Adrian was a fucking mess, except, now he could hold Deran proudly.

How things had changed Adrian mused.

For so long Oceanside had been his home, the place he could always come back to. But now, he couldn’t be there even if he wanted to be, not without having Deran.

Was it about not trusting Adrian, or his loyalty to his brothers? Who knows; surely, Adrian didn’t.

The place didn’t matter anyway, Deran is what made it home. Without him by his side, Adrian would never feel at home, _anywhere_.

He hadn’t even arrived at his destination and he already felt that he was in exile.

Adrian thought he’d been there before, and he didn’t like the ending.

_I can see you starin’, honey_

_Like he’s just your understudy_

_Like you’d get your knuckles bloody for me_

_Second, third, and hundredth chances_

_Balancin’ on breaking branches_

_Those eyes add insult to injury_

Deran hadn’t moved from his place on the bridge for what felt like hours. He had his entire body cradled into himself, just rocking back and forth.

The tears had stopped forming long ago, leaving his face streaked with guilt.

All Deran could picture was Adrian’s dark blues staring him down, begging him to let him stay. But he was a coward, _a fucking coward_ , who just watched him walk away.

What was there left to say anyway?

What was that stupid saying. . . ‘If you love someone let them go’, blah blah _fucking_ blah. It was all bullshit and Deran knew it.

He didn’t know why he’d picked his brothers, just that Adrian couldn’t stay, and he couldn’t go.

Adrian would’ve ended up having to prove himself to his brothers and Deran wouldn’t let him take more bloodshed for him; _never_ again.

Besides, it would just cause Deran more bloody knuckles and he was sick of it, sick of all of it. If this is what he had to do to protect his lover, then so be it.

How many chances did he deserve? Certainly not the number Adrian had extended.

They were just “balancin’ on broken branches”, each one thinner than the previous.

 _Shit_. The tears were coming again and there was no way to stall them.

His whole body was trembling, yet he couldn’t move. If he never did, he wouldn’t have to say goodbye, not really.

Deran kept playing their last exchange over and over, in a non-stop continuous loop. He finished on the same image every time, always circling back to the look on Adrian’s face. His blues were shadowed and broken as Deran’s bleak words sank in.

Those eyes of his added insult to injury, making Deran curse himself _that_ much more.

He was a bastard for making him leave and he knew it.

_I think I’ve seen this film before_

_And I didn’t like the ending_

_I’m not your problem anymore_

_So who am I offending now?_

_You were my crown, now I’m in exile, seein’ you out_

_I think I’ve seen this film before_

_So I’m leaving out the side door_

It wasn’t the first time Deran had put himself in this position, but he hoped it would be the last.

Each time the outcome was worse and Deran didn’t want this ending; he never wanted any of them.

Maybe this was for the best, he didn’t believe it, but, at least he wasn’t Adrian’s problem anymore.

There wasn’t anyone else left for Deran to disappoint except for himself, _always himself_.

Adrian made Deran feel like a king, because with him he had everything he wanted, _needed_.

With Adrian gone now, it was as though he’d lost his crown and it’d been smashed to a million pieces.

Deran was alone now, in exile,

He watched his equal saunter away, neither one of them looking back.

He’d seen this before, and again, he was leaving out the side door.

_*In their minds, Deran and Adrian play out the conversation they wish they would’ve had. However, they were both too scared to speak all of those unspoken words*_

_So step right out, there is no-amount_

_Of crying I can do for you_

**A:** Fine leave, don’t come with me. I’m sick of this bullshit Deran.

It’s _never_ going to work like this anyway.

I don’t have anymore tears to shed on you, on us.

_All this time_

_We always walked a very thin line_

**D:** Me and you A, we’ve always walked this thin ass line, just waiting for one of us to tip the balance.

I-I meant what I said, but we both know it’s not enough, maybe it _never_ was.

_You didn’t even hear me out_

**D:** You didn’t even hear me out man! I did _all_ this shit to protect you, to protect _us_ , and you didn’t even try! You couldn’t just take the damn money and be happy. _Everything_ was for you, to show you _how much_ I fucking wanted us and you-you ruined it. . .

_You don’t even hear me out_

**A:** It’s not about the _fucking_ money Deran! You’d know that if you ever heard me out. I wanted us to be equals in this relationship, but you kept throwing money out like you could buy me.

I don’t need a house on the beach or a pity sponsor; they only thing I’ve _ever_ needed is _you_.

_You never gave a warning sign_

**D:** You’ve never acted like you gave a shit about money until recently.

You tell me I need a real bed and a shower, so I get them. Who gives a shit how much if cost if it’s what made you happy; that’s _all_ I ever wanted.

How the hell was I supposed to know giving you _exactly_ what you wanted would push you away?

_I gave so many signs_

**A:** Yes, I told you that _you_ needed those things, for _yourself_. It’s not like I ever thought you were going to buy me a whole damn house!

I mean, you’d only just become mine, for real.

Did you really think all those sponsors I made up were real? Like some company came out of nowhere suddenly offering me thousands of dollars?

You _had_ to know how I felt when you threw money at me after we fucked. Jesus Deran, how could you not.

_All this time_

_I never learned to read your mind_

**A:** After all these years Deran, I still can’t read your mind.

Why do you think I couldn’t tell you about everything after I fucked up? It wasn’t because I don’t trust you, it’s because I didn’t know how you’d react.

I had an idea but this, _this_ , is definitely worse.

Just once, I wish you’d let me in.

_Never learned to read my mind_

**D:** You don’t think I’ve _tried_? Shit, you’re the _only_ person who gets me, I mean _really_ gets me.

I’m sorry you thought I was trying to buy you, it’s the only way I know. I thought if I got the house you wanted, we could start over, for real this time.

Money doesn’t men shit to me, only _you_.

I just. . . don’t know how to let people in, _especially_ you. It’s like if you see the _real_ me in here, you’ll never want me, not like you used to.

_I couldn’t turn things around_

**D:** I tried to turn this all around so you could stay, I tried _so_ fucking hard.

I was ready to go beat up a cop in broad daylight; I didn’t care about the consequences if it got him off your back.

Fuck, I even killed C-…, it doesn’t matter, none of it does.

Smurf found out, and I can’t do anything to change that. 

_You never turned things around_

**A:** Der, I know you tried your damndest to help me, but _I_ never wanted you to.

This was _my_ mess and _I_ was handling it. Maybe not how you would, but it was working for me.

I don’t even want to know how many people you’ve killed because of me, at least, not right now.

You should’ve let me go to jail; it couldn’t be _any_ worse than how I already feel.

_‘Cause you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)_

_So many signs, So many signs_

_You didn’t even see the signs_

_*Deran and Adrian stilled their thoughts from what if’s and what could’ve been’s. The truth was, neither had taken the time to see the signs the other gave. It was a regret they would both have to live with*_

_I think I’ve seen this film before_

_And I didn’t like the ending_

He didn’t know how, but he’d eventually arrived at the airport. The driver stopped, Adrian stayed where he was, head peering out the open window.

This was it, _if_ he left, he could _never_ come back.

_I think I’ve seen this film before_

_So I’m leaving out the side door_

Deran had managed to pick himself up from his spot on the ground. He stood with his palms grasping the bridge railing, looking out into the night.

Get in the Scout, or leave through that side door; either decision hurt someone, including himself.

_I think I’ve seen this film before_

_Ooh, ooh, ooh_

**Author's Note:**

> Leave kudos if you enjoyed, or tell me how you think their final words might have went. Thanks for reading (:
> 
> Tumblr:browney3dgirl6


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